Building trust from toddler to teen
“Every day, in a 100 small ways, our children ask, ‘Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do I matter?’ Their behavior often reflects our response.”
L.R. Knost
This quote is everything to me. When children feel seen and heard their behavior is much different then if they weren’t getting those basic needs met. Which brings up our topic - time outs. Sending a child into time out cuts the child off from their emotional support system, YOU. When a child misbehaves they are telling you they have an unmet need. Their unmet need could be hunger, over stimulation, or just needing a hug. They are learning. They don’t know how to process or tell you in a way that you will understand yet. That takes practice, and we for sure don’t want to punish a child who is still learning, practicing, and trying to understand it all.
What I like to practice is called a time in & also practicing being even more grounded when there are high emotions running around me.
How they feel
When a child gets thrown into time out for causing trouble or what not, how do you think they feel? Lets hop in their shoes for a minute. Usually It’s a chair or facing the wall, and being completely taken out of the situation they were in. Possibly feeling anger, rejection, confusion… the list can go on. What can also happen is more of the behavior that you didn’t want, will keep coming back because time outs don’t explain anything. NOTHING! That’s why there needs to be another way. A positive way of empathizing with them and tackling it together as a team. You want them to come to you in their teens when they have a hard time right? This is the reason we start working on developing that trust early on with them.
Having a time in instead
Having a time in is all about getting on their level and showing them you care. Empathy. Empathy allows us to open up to what the other is feeling and in my experience, it cracks my heart wide open and I become soft in a moment where I might have been harsh. This is no easy task but pausing before going down the same road of time outs, and breathing, and remembering they are a child put here to receive love and to learn. We have a choice to teach them that just because they are having a hard time conforming to their environment, doesn’t mean we are going to shut them out. In fact, showing them empathy is going to help them process how they’re feeling, and they will end up falling back on what they’ve learned now for their teen and adult years.
The steps
An easy one for me when one of my kids is having a hard time, is to just sit with her with an open heart and not say anything. I have found this to be easy knowing that when someone is upset - they just need space to be upset. They don’t need someone solving their problems or making snap decisions in order for peace. They Just want space to be.
From there if a question needs to be asked to understand the problem better, I will ask it but it’s not in a space of trying to solve their problems.
Here is a time when being patient helped my daughter find the solution to her problem
My daughter Ryleigh recently became upset when she closed her door on a beaded project that she had worked hard on. Beads went everywhere! I watched this play out with an open heart. She then became more upset that she didn’t know the order they were in to redo it. I kept still and open so I didn’t take on her problem and I was trying my best not to solve it either. I asked if she wanted me to help her and she straight up said no. Okay perfect I’m honoring her needs of being alone. So I waited, and got busy with my own stuff. When all of a sudden she opens her bedroom door in excitement, proclaiming that she decided to put them back on the string how she wanted to.
I was so proud of myself and my daughter coming out of this situation without it escalating but rather coming together as a team. Her knowing I was there for her in whatever way she needed, and me understanding her need for space, and knowing her ability to problem solve.
Trust in the process and the rest will fall into place.
