How to hold space for a child
This is such a wonderful tool. I use it everyday - many times!
I first learned about holding space during a training when we needed to know how to listen to someone.
Since then, I took the knowledge back home and put it to use.
So what does it mean to hold space?
When we hold space for a child - we open our hearts to them, listen without judgment or shame & try to keep our solutions to ourselves.
We hold them as their tears fall down their face.
We listen as anger takes the wheel and they yell and scream about what their sister did.
We don’t fix. We don’t fix. We don’t fix.
When a child comes to you hurt, sad or angry - they are just looking for support, a lap to cry in or just someone to listen to them. They are not coming to you so that you can fix their problem.
By offering solutions to their problems we take their power away.
When we shame them it makes the feeling worse and creates a new problem.
Giving our two sense without them asking for it can possibly overwhelm them with information that they weren’t even ready for.
Possibly the only thing we need to be doing is staying quiet. Say very little. Show support by using your body. Hold them if they want you to. Wipe their tears and tell them you love them. Grab them a pillow to hit when anger pops up.
We all have that one friend who we can go to with any information and know we won’t feel judged or shamed for our feelings - right!? It’s the same thing.
These are growth points! We grow through our pain. For that to happen - we need to be a space holder.
Be a witness and offer unconditional love and support. That’s what holding space is.
After that they can make their own choices - again keep their power with them. Don’t take it away by fixing.
Of course if any guidance is needed they will let you know.
What I have learned by holding space for my kids
They want to be validated. They want to be heard. They want to know what they are feeling is true.
I listen. I hold space & I say back to them what they are feeling. “When Ryleigh told you she didn’t want to play your game you felt sad? ”
The only words I have said so far! That’s it! When we validate by repeating back what they are feeling - they feel a little more seen and they start to understand why they are feeling that way.
Of course - it won’t always go this smooth. The point of all this is to connect in a healthy way.
When I first started out I literally would just sit there holding them and not say one word. Since then I have learned what to say by intuition and another tool I use often called Nonviolent Communication.
This is not an easy task but it has it rewards. I often feel more love through my children when I hold space for them. The connection becomes more solid and a trusting bond is formed.
